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rockin' kitty

Paying for someone else's past....

Why do people make other people go through that? I just want to know. I haven't made any of my boyfriends since I left Sean pay for what I went through the last three years we were married. And I don't compare them to him either. I get in a defensive combat mode when I feel like my shit is being jumped or going to be jumped, but that is just what I have been used to for a very long time, so I am working on that.

Last night Candace told Larry that she wanted him to marry me because she loves me. I am not looking to get married anytime soon, but last night Larry told me that. I told him that she knew that I am what Willis is Talkin' Bout... He started explaining to me about his ex's. I know that they put him through shit. I know this. I know that they became drug addicts and stuff like that. I know all of this stuff. He was telling me that maybe he made it too easy for them. And then he started to describe what they were like and how they didn't do this or do that. I told him that I wasn't like that. He said that they both started out really ambitious and then stopped doing anything... EVEN CEASING TO WEAR MAKEUP. 

Ok, you all know that I will never leave the house without makeup because I am too vein. You all know that I am meticulous about certain grooming habits. You all know that when I say I am going to do something, I am going to do it. I have dreams that I am too fucking stuborn to give up. And I am going to be the best fingerwaver in tha 909 because that is what I am going to be. You all know these things.

Last night he told me that there were some signs that were telling him differently. I tell him that I am going to do something like a back rub or dinner... Then I get over there and I tell him  that I am too tired to cook dinner. WTF? I am the one that is commuting one hour each way. I leave his house at 6 and I don't get there until 6 or even later. I may not physically have as hard as a day as he has, but I do have a mentally hard day. You ask what is so hard about cutting hair and learning about hair??? There's a lot more to it than just hacking the fuck out of someone's hair.  Coloring is not just grabbing a whole bunch of color and and smacking it on someone's head. There is chemistry and biology and geometery to doing hair. It's not rocket science, granted. But it is fucking work. I love doing it and so it's fun at the same time. But fuck!!! I get tired. When my monthly bill comes, I am wiped out and crampy, so it makes all of that worse... 

And now I feel like just pulling away because I don't even see that me working hard to prove to him that I am different is going to be good enough or it's not going to make a difference at all.

Now I want to kick myself in the ass for getting involved with someone who is wrestling with his demons about the women who were in his life. 

I saw my problem when I started dating again. I allow guys to come into my life and I let them control me. So, after Serial Stalker Boy, I decided that I wasn't going to let that happen to me again. So I am abrassive when it comes to people trying to tell me how to live my life and I have that, "If you don't like it then go fuck yourself" attitude. But this is who I am and I am not going to be in a relationship where I have to change because then I wouldn't be the same person that person liked from the beginning, you know? 

I guess this week is going to be a week that I am going to have to do something I hate to do... Think.

Comments

Tell him there is a difference in giving up on your dreams or working, that is NO ambition. Being too tired to cook dinner is fucking life. I would love to cook dinner most night, but I am too tired because I am busy wearing myself out attempting to reach my ambition.
Does he honestly think your ambition in life is to cook his food?
I'm sure if he thinks about it he would understand how silly that sounds.
I talked to him today about what he told me last night. He was just trying to explain to me the reasons why he gets so weird about stuff and it came out all wrong. I fronted him... He knows that I am what Willis is talkin' bout... I just told him that I am not going to try and change or act a different way just to suit him because I would be lying to myself and he agreed because I am what he loves about me.

dont sweat it

I know how you feel, I had a girl that I did everything for, then it ended. when I started dating again, the girl I was seeing found out stuff I did for her and got pissed. I didnt make her pay for my past, she got into it herself and made me feel like shit cause I did that for another girl. maybe not the same thing you're going through but I understand. Dont let it bring you down. I've been one to say everything happens for a reason and I know this now more than ever cause I've recently met the woman of my dreams so I know it will happen for you, maybe not a woman though LOL!! on a better note, Fu is coming out with a new EP in Nov.!!! Doing a Van Halen cover of D.O.A.!! Sweeet!!! Hope things r werkin out fer ya. Peace from Tejas.
rockin' kitty

June 2007

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