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rockin' kitty

If she only knew

I am having a really bad morning with Audrey. I told her not to put marker on her hands because I am so afraid of messing the house up. She cried. And I am not talking about a fussy cry. She wailed for a good twenty minutes. Then she came outside in her panties. My rule and Sean's rule for our homes is that she has to be dressed before she goes outside. Sean won't let her run around even in his home with just panties on. I know it's just a phase, so I let her do it IN THE HOUSE ONLY. So I told her that she could come back outside if she got dressed in her jammies. She cried. Then she wanted to use the water colors outside. IT'S TOO COLD FOR HER TO BE PLAYING IN WATER. 

It' really hard for me because today is her last morning with her for a week. The day before I get her, I am a wreck because I haven't seen her in a week. The day she leaves me I am a wreck because I won't get to see her for a week.

Now it's cupcakes... She wants two. I told her that she could have one. She ran away crying.

My birthday was probably the worst day yesterday. I filled out all of my financial aid paperwork wrong, I had to wait for an hour to see the administrator at school, and the night? We were going to make puppets from paper lunch bags and ghosts with tissue paper. Audrey used up all of the glue a little while ago and I didn't know it until I went to use the glue. So we had no glue. Suddenly, she didn't want to do any of that. I called my dad to wish him a happy birthday and all I could do was leave a message, but I never got a call back from them. And it was bittersweet. I was married last year. And although for a while my birthday wasn't a special day at the Tucker Home. This brithday was horrible. This was the lonliest days of my life I think.

for four years, my birthday was treated just like another day from Sean. He always would have school or something else going on.  The same with our anniversary--which was today.  

I am sad today and it's stupid. It really is. I should be happy for what I did get. I got lots of brithday wishes from friends, I got to be with Audrey, and I got to see MY MARCIA the night before. For those... I am thankful. But sad at the same time because I don't know... I just felt rotten. And that is not me. I embrace every year that I age. And this year, shit just hit me all at once.


Im sorry you feel alone honey :(

*squishes* I miss you. if I lived closer, I'd be bugging you all the time.
rockin' kitty

June 2007

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